The Unofficial Guide to Fan Fiction
by UGP
Summary: The UGP will no longer be ignored. We have arisen to take on the Syntax Monster, render it immobile and reveal its secrets to the world. Authors who commit crimes against the English language: you are warned.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** The UGP (Unofficial Grammar Police) is owned and operated by its members. Any attempts to copy/steal/snatch/grab anything to do with the UGP will be met with violence and the gnashing of teeth. Attempts to copy/steal/snatch/grab anything to do with the UGP are forbidden, unless permission is granted by the members in written form.

The UGP does not own any of the shows, books and examples of fan fiction herein expressed, unless noted.

**The Unofficial Guide to Fan Fiction**

Contents:

**Introduction**

The Title

The Summary

The Actual Story

Leaving a Review

Responding to a Review

**Introduction**

The UGP has existed for only a short time, but in that time we have come across a wild array of fan fiction and a vast selection of writing techniques. We have attempted to address particular stories through helpful critiques with clear examples and suggestions, but have come up against the proverbial brick wall, otherwise known as being completely ignored.

It is quite frustrating, even tormenting, to be continually visually and literarily assaulted by poor (and in quite a few cases, horrendous) grammar, spelling, sentence structure, plots and characterization.

Of course, this site is a place in which writing can be experimented with, practiced and honed. However, there comes a time when a line must be drawn, with English on one side and internet chat, script format and atrocious, tormenting syntax on the other.

"Some people should just stay away from overly complex functions, like writing fanfictions. Maybe writing full stop." -Captain Locoa Pistoleroa, UGP Official.

It is the responsibility of authors writing in English to respect and preserve some semblance of the language in their stories, and when reviews are issued about errors within said stories, to correct them as soon as possible. Moreover, it is the responsibility of the reader to issue helpful critiques that allow the author to extend their skills and cater to their audience.

Sadly, it seems that some authors and readers are unaware of their responsibilities. Thus, the UGP has arisen to take on the Syntax Monster, render it immobile and reveal its secrets to the world.

We hope you find the following guide to be helpful.

As always, we remain,

**The UPG (Unofficial Grammar Police)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** The UGP (Unofficial Grammar Police) is owned and operated by its members. Any attempts to copy/steal/snatch/grab anything to do with the UGP will be met with violence and the gnashing of teeth. Attempts to copy/steal/snatch/grab anything to do with the UGP is forbidden, unless permission is granted by the members in written form.

The UGP does not own any of the shows, books and examples of fan fiction herein expressed, unless noted.

**The Unofficial Guide to Fan Fiction**

Contents:

Introduction

**The Title**

**The Summary**

The Actual Story

Leaving a Review

Responding to a Review

**The Title**

"Don't judge a book by its cover," is an idiom best not applied to fan fiction, as the reader viciously judges each story on its cover and decides whether or not to read the story. Thus, the author should take pains to try and make the title interesting and grammatically correct.

For example, Fiona Fan wrote a story about Inuyasha and decided to call it "the adventirures of the inuganng".

Rita Reader noticed Fiona's story, gagged on some vomit and continued searching the Inuyasha fan fictions for a story written in the English language.

Later, Fiona is distressed to find that she has no hits! No one has read her story! No one has left a review! No one has realised her genius!

"Why has no one read my masterpiece?" she sobbed and wrote a bad, angsty poem full of spelling errors.

Little does poor Fiona know, she has made several simple, but terrible mistakes - she has not started every word in her title with a capital and she has incorrectly spelled two words. These simple mistakes advise the reader that Fiona has no spellchecker, no knowledge of the English language and the fandom, or that she simply doesn't care. The reader believes that the mistakes inherent in the title of her story will continue in the actual story.

You may be thinking, "How could anyone be so idiotic?" Never underestimate the stupidity of people. Such cases of blatant bad English in titles run rampant across the virtual world. It is practically an epidemic.

For those of you who are thinking, "But, it's like, so totally, symbolic!" know this: bad grammar is never symbolic. It is simply messy and crude. Capitals are taught in kindergarten; there is no reason to forget them later on. You'll make them angry and they will come at you with sharp things while you sleep. Spelling is essential if you want people to know what you're on about. If you don't have spell check look up the words on the internet, or if you really want to earn points, try looking in a physical dictionary.

Also, if you are entertaining the idea of alternating upper and lower case letters in your title because it looks _really good_, immediately dismember your brain and bury it. For those not following this distasteful train of thought, an example of such backward grammar is, "InUyAsHa AnD kAgOmE aRe In LoVe".

**The Summary**

The summary, like the title, of any story is judged and critiqued on its grammatical and literary value. The UGP categorizes summaries as either a 'summary' or 'non-summary'.

A summary is a chapter or story boiled down to about three sentences or less. Summaries may also be included in the actual story. When written within a story they may be longer, as there is more space to write. A 'non-summary' includes incorrect grammar and spelling, character listings that take up the entire summary space and phrases such as, but not limited to "Bad summary, good story" and "Don't blame me for the bad summary."

The purpose of the summary is to draw the reader in and reveal the basics of your story so they know what it's about. A good way to draw a reader in is to evoke a sense of mystery. Endless rhetorical questions are not mysterious - they are annoying.

So that you, our humble reader, may be prepared should you face a minion of the Syntax Monster, the Non-Summary, here is an example written by our friend Fiona Fan:

"okay so inubaby and kago r like in love but what about kogar? how does he feel? what is he doing? is he even still in lurve with kags? does he cut his hair inangst? Does he try to kill himself? will he ever recover from kagomes betrayl? will kagome return to him to ease his pain and what does Inuyasha think of it?!?! Inyasha,kags, kogar, seshhi, rin, ahun, naraku, kagra, and the GAANG! yay! Bad summary, good story r n r plzthx"

The above is an exaggeration, and there is no way all of the non-summary would fit in the available space, but all of these mistakes have occurred time and time again. It is distressing that a number of authors continue to assault readers with such disgusting, horrendous and insulting syntax. Moreover, it is an insult to the English language, which is an essential part of existing in most of the Western world. Only think of the torture life would be if everyone started communicating like Fiona Fan!

On that note, we shall delve deeper into some of the issues of the previous example, unless of course the above made you physically sick. We would like to warn you that the below example may cause you grievous bodily harm:

"Inuyasha and Kagome are travelling through a forest and then these demons attack them and Naraku comes and is evil. The gang gets captured and tortured. What will they do? Can they fight off his almighty might? Can they prevail? Can Inuyasha and Kagome's romance survive? What about"

If anyone cannot find the mistakes in this example, please do not hesitate to leave your computer, climb into the fridge and close the door behind you. Never leave again. Thank you.

For the remaining, you might have noticed that not only is the author attempting to explain the entire plot in the summary and is using a painful amount of rhetorical questions, but has actually run out of room and left a strange half sentence for potential readers to blink at. As previously mentioned, this is seen far too often and often makes the hand twitch to scroll down, searching for less nonsensical stories.

If you wish to draw in readers, keeping your summary within the word limit helps. A useful technique is actually selecting an interesting/beneficial quote from your story and inserting it. With this the reader's interest may be piqued, especially if the quote comes from an emotional or battle scene.

Another useful technique is that of warnings. Some examples are **WARNING:** Character death or **WARNING:** Torture included. This helps a potential reader realise the probable focus of the story and let them avoid it if need be. In the UGP's opinion, there should be other warnings. Confused? Examples include:

**WARNING:** Character horrifyingly OOC

**WARNING:** Story sickeningly AU

**WARNING:** Author insertion/blatant Mary Sue within

We are of the opinion that these would be helpful for those with weak stomachs.

One or two parting notes:

**1)** Canon is there for a reason. Canon is there to be followed. Those who steer away from canon are treading in the dangerous unknown, and better have an amazing handle on context and characterisation. There should be anti-canon warnings on summaries.

**2)** Pairing warnings on summaries are useful. For example, if Rita Reader doesn't wish to read about Inuyasha being raped/tormented/etc by Naraku while helplessly lusting after Sesshoumaru, _she shouldn't have to._ There should be _some indication_ in the…say it with us: SUMMARY.

We hope you have found this to be helpful.

**The UGP (Unofficial Grammar Police)**

(Fiona Fan, Rita Reader and all example titles and summaries contained in this chapter are the property of the UGP, and cannot be used without permission.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **The UGP (Unofficial Grammar Police) is owned and operated by its members. Any attempts to copy/steal/snatch/grab anything to do with the UGP will be met with violence and the gnashing of teeth. Attempts to copy/steal/snatch/grab anything to do with the UGP is forbidden, unless permission is granted by the members in written form.

The UGP does not own any of the shows, books and examples of fan fiction herein expressed, unless noted.

**The Unofficial Guide to Fan Fiction**

Contents:

Introduction

The Title

The Summary

**The Actual Story**

Leaving a Review

Responding to a Review

**The Actual Story**

What is contained in the actual story? Well, how about a story? Plot? Characterisation? Grammar? Spelling? Technique? The UGP, upon the defeat and subsequent interrogation of the Syntax Monster, would like to offer a few handy hints in these areas, foremost in the area of grammar, and secondly in the areas of plot and characterisation.

**Common Errors:**

These are common mistakes that occur so often it is irritating, but with a little proof reading, a spastic monkey could write a story without these slip-ups. Yes, it's hard to write without making a mistake; yes, it's hard to be perfect – but the UGP would like you to try! Evidently, these hints should be of some help in that area.

It's vs. Its:

Firstly, _it's_ is a contraction of it is. For example, "It's not fair!" Kagome wailed.

_Its_ conveys ownership, i.e, that _it_ owns something, has something, or does something. For example, 'The demon extended its claws and snarled.'

So be careful with your apostrophes – don't just pepper your story with them as if they're confetti!

**Nonexistent words: **

Just because Shakespeare thought it was cool to make up words doesn't mean you can start spewing forth meaningless babble too. Your readers will quietly whisper, or indignantly shout, "What the?" and move on to another story. The UGP humbly requests you take note of these, or face our combined wrath. For example:

-Acrossed – use across

-Alot – use a lot

-Alright – use all right

-Brang – use brought. In terms of 'brang' this word is acceptable as dialogue, only if it is part of a character's identity to use the word. Otherwise, use brought.

-LOL- use actual words, people. This isn't MSN.

-ROFL, BRB- same applies.

-Like – used for a similie to describe. Used overly much suggests to your readers that your brain is leaking out of your ears onto the keyboard.

-Sing, sang, sung- And other such words. Try and figure out which is applicable according to tense, otherwise it's just weird.

-Swear words- There's a place, a time and a character these apply to. In a description is just…..no. It indicates an opinion or an emotion, and needs to be applied where necessary, not to show off your impressive vocabulary.

Example: The motherfucking son of a bitch cut down the crappy tree with a shitty look on his face using his giant big fucking sword.

-Obviously there are better ways to describe this situation

**Stationary vs. Stationery: **

Fiona Fan wrote, "Inuyasha was made stationery by Kagome's beauty."

While most people will get the idea that Inuyasha is not moving, the more observant reader will notice that our dear Fiona has given Kagome's beauty the power to turn all who gaze upon her into nice paper.

To clarify: _stationary_ means unmoving, whereas _stationery_ refers to rather nice paper and pens. Try to think the 'e' in stationery is for envelope and you'll have no problems.

Their, They're and There:

Mixing up _their_, _there_, and _they're _is an easy way to make yourself look silly. In fact, you'll look downright stupid, so make sure you know what you're doing with them.

_Their_ is a possessive pronoun. For example, "Their love was passionate."

_They're _is a contraction of they are. For example, "They're going to be in trouble."

_There_ is a location. For example, "There is Sesshomaru, Lord of the Western Lands."

Be careful not to confuse _theirs _with _there's_. And whatever you do, don't use _their's _at all or pain will rain down upon you in torrents.

_Theirs _is a possessive pronoun. _There's _is a contraction of _there is_.

For example, "Is that sushi ours, or theirs?" and "There's no way you'll win Naraku!"

**You're vs. Your:**

_You're _is a contraction meaning "you are," and _your _is a possessive pronoun. The amount of people mixing up this simple grammatical point is so large it's almost embarrassing. Don't join their ranks.

"You're not going to wear your miniskirt in this snowstorm, are you? Your knees will freeze!" exclaimed Sango.

**Punctuation:**

Punctuation is a cornerstone of your story. Bad punctuation is extremely difficult to read and looks downright childish. It screams, "I'm an idiot and I don't care!" to readers.

**Apostrophes:**

An apostrophe is used to show ownership or possession and letter omissions in contractions.

For example, "Inuyasha's sword Tessaiga wouldn't break!"

In the case of possessives, for most words you can simply add an apostrophe and 's' to the end of the word. The exception is with words that already end with s. In this case you can use an apostrophe and 's', or just an apostrophe. The UGP suggests just using an apostrophe because it looks less messy. Compare:

"The moss' smell was disgusting," and "The moss's smell was disgusting."

Confused about a particularly tricky apostrophe rule? Avoid the issue altogether and write something else that gives the same meaning to the phrase!

**Exclamation Points:**

Exclamations points indicate strong emotion, like surprise, anger, and urgency. Unfortunately, many writers are so in love with the exclamation mark, they get a little (or extremely) over excited and end up using two, or four, or upwards of ten. Take Fiona Fan's latest sentence, in which she has chosen to use a dictionary, for example:

"Inuyasha slashed with his claws! and tore open the stupid, idiotic, weak demons chest!! Kagome marvelled at his rippling muscles!! She took in the sight of his heaving chest, and like totally ripped! arms!! Inuyasha grinned and began to laugh manically – he was turning into A FULL DEMON!!"

A little over the top, no? An exclamation mark can add feeling and vibrancy to your story, but it is unwise to use more than one at a time.

After all, as Terry Pratchett once said, "Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of someone who wears their underwear on their head."

As for using exclamation marks _and_ question marks at the same time – don't. Choose the one that it most appropriate for the situation. If it is a question that is shouted, use a question mark and show that the speaker is shouting the question. For example:

"What do you mean you lost all our jewel shards?" Inuyasha screamed.

**Question Marks:**

A question mark (?) comes at the end of an interrogative sentence. Aren't question marks lovely and curvaceous? However, never, ever use question marks with indirect questions. (And never, ever put quotation marks around indirect questions.) For example:

Kagome demanded to know why Miroku looked so guilty.

Who stole Inuyaha's sword is the question.

These rules apply even when the indirect question consists of only one word. If you like, you can italicize one-word indirect questions. For example:

Someone had done it. The question plaguing everyone was _who_.

**Quotations:**

Use quotation marks around titles of short works: essays, short stories, newspaper and magazine articles, songs, poems, chapter titles, and TV show episodes. Surround direct quotations with double quotation marks. A change of speaker should be indicated with a new paragraph. For example,

"Where are you going?" demanded Inuyasha.

"Home!" replied Kagome as she brushed past him in disdain.

Fiona Fan loves to write dialogue between Inuyasha and Kagome. Here is an example of her latest attempt:

"Hi Inuyasha!"

"What do you want?"

"Nothing really…"

"What is it?"

"Well…"

"Just go away!"

"Don't be so mean to me!"

"I'll treat you however I want, wench!"

"Hey!"

"Just leave me alone!"

"Make me!"

"I'm going to kill you!"

Rita Reader was unfortunate enough to cross paths with Fiona once again. As she was highly allergic to ping-pong dialogue, she hastily closed the window and rushed to the bathroom.

Ping-pong dialogue is annoying, useless, confusing, and most importantly: annoying! Most readers just will not sit through a page of back and forth dialogue which has no dialogue tags or paragraphs (even a sentence) of action. They will skip forward to the next chapter or close the window completely.

You can surround thoughts with quotation marks or not, according to your preference. Some writers like to use italics, but make sure your readers know that it is a thought. Quotation marks can also be used to suggest that you're using a word ironically or in an unusual way. When used this way, quotation marks are called _scare quotes_. Try to use scare quotes as little as possible. They almost always make you sound condescending and snotty.

If you are using familiar slang words there is no need to enclose them in quotation marks. However, if you think your readers will be completely baffled by a particular slang word or expression, you may want to use quotation marks.

**Technical Clichés:**

There are two types of clichés: technical clichés (overused metaphors and similes, for example) and plot clichés (overused plot developments).

For Fiona Fan, it's easier than (Insert clichéd metaphor here) to fill her writing with clichés. Clichés are probably the first thing you think of when you're groping for a metaphor or trying to express a common emotion. Clichés might spontaneously enter your mind as you're happily typing away, trying to think of a great way to explain Kagome's current predicament.

But resist all temptation! If you use clichés, your readers will be bored instantly. Their eyebrows will disappear into their hairline and they will not be able to concentrate on your story for at least the next couple of paragraphs. Why say, the _sharp sword_ when you could say, the sword stained with the blood of millions, or _he vanished in a cloud of miasma_ when you could say, he seemed to be engulfed by the toxic cloud and when it dissipated, he was no longer there, borne away on poisonous winds?

**Tense:**

Tense can be confusing, but stay consistent and you should be fine. Typically, when writing in first or second person present tense is used. When writing in third person, past tense is used. In dialogue, characters are free to change tense depending on the situation: recalling memories, or talking about the present situation.

**Colloquial Expressions:**

Be careful when using colloquial language in your writing. Do not be overly casual in your writing, unless it is natural to the character. Also, colloquial descriptions, such as 'FWAP' or 'SPLAT' should not be used as the entire description. Do not shower your story with them, or readers will think that all you have to offer them in the area of imaginative descriptions are comic book expressions. For example, it is acceptable to say:

"Then – SPLAT! Inuyasha's hand flattened Miyoga."

It is not acceptable to say:

"FWAP

Sesshoumaru groaned and pushed the giant boulder off him.

CRUNCH

His ribs were broken.

CREAK

The ground was giving way beneath him."

**Run-on Sentences:**

_Run-on sentence_ is an umbrella term that encompasses both sentences that have been joined up improperly with no punctuation and _comma splices_, which are sentences that have been joined up improperly with a comma. When your sentence takes up an entire paragraph, you may have to do some adjustment.

Fiona Fan wrote, "In the evening, the starless night seemed to press upon the group and they huddled together, too wary of demons and other enemies to light even a small fire, at which Shippo was constantly complaining about as he clung to Kagome beneath her school shirt; thus Inuyasha had taken to sitting in the tree above them, despite the chill, to get away from the small demons voice, shrill even when he was whispering, and Sango had moved as far away from Miroku as she could because he kept trying to feel her up, telling her he was only trying to keep her warm, but she knew his true agenda – he was just a pervert!"

Poor Rita Reader was subjected to the horror of the above 'sentence'. So tortured was she, that her eyes bled onto the keyboard.

**Plot and Characterisation:**

How does one write a story with a plot? Actually, what is a plot? It is simply a story line with a sequence of events that range from beginning, to middle, to end. Some of the most torturous stories are categorised as PWP (Plot? What Plot?). They are stupid and silly and deserve to writhe in the deepest flames of hell.

Before you start a story, have at least a vague idea of where you are going with it. Figure out what you want to happen and then decide on how you're going to get there. A beginning should be interesting enough to grab attention, but not tiresome and definitely not your main character's autobiography. In the middle, or thereabouts, of your story, you should reach the climax of some action, mystery or romance (or whatever your genre happens to be). Just make sure it is interesting and engaging. At the end of your story you might want to taper off slowly and put everything in a neat little box. Alternatively, you may wish to end on a cliff hanger. If it is the end of the story, write it so your readers know it is the end and don't end up asking you confusedly, "What? Isn't there more?"

**Canon: **

Canon is the foundation of fanfiction. Canon is a nice, safe place to be where you won't offend fans and send them to your house with pitchforks because your character is so horrifically out-of-character. Only if you're very familiar with the terms, concepts and characterisations of your stimulus, should you even comprehend diving into the deep end of creative thinking, or the dreaded AU, Alternate Universes.

**Cross-overs:**

There is a very simple rule that should be applied to all cross-overs. Make sure the two fandoms you cross deal with the same issues, take place in the same world, or universe, and generally are in the same language. Otherwise it becomes…strange. For example medieval speech mixed with space-age jargon. For a very general example: It's okay to mix very similar fandoms, like Law and Order: SVU and Law and Order: CI. It's not okay to mix Star Trek and the Lion King, for obvious reasons. If these can't be seen, do us all a favour and bludgeon yourself with your speakers and/or monitor.

**OOC:**

Out-of-character stories are the bane of readers across FanFiction. There's nothing worse than opening a story, settling down for a nice read and discovering halfway down the page that Sesshoumaru is having a deep-and-meaningful with Kagome, and is crying, reminiscing and allowing his fluff to be stroked comfortingly.

To quote my fellow UGP-er: "OOC is annoying, it's disgusting, it's just nyyyarrrrrr…(shudder)"

OOC should only be attempted by the strong and the skilled in language. The only place where this is ever acceptable is in a parody, where the mistake can be expected by the reader, instead of in a dramatic story where it just leaps out at you like a spider in an outside toilet. If you are aware that you are committing this heinous crime in a story, please seek help and edit your story. Seek a beta. Seek them now! At the very least, place a warning in your summary to prepare possible readers for the shock and horror.

**Mixing Languages:**

There are writers out there who think it is the height of cool to mix languages. It makes them look smart. People will gaze in wonder at their ability to write the Japanese words they found on a suspicious online dictionary, which kept asking for their credit card details and their first born child, in place of English words.

Basically, mixing two languages can be very confusing as not everyone will know the languages. It can also fracture the plot flow. This applies to every story, except where a character is bilingual or is listening to someone speak a language that is not the language of the text. If a story is written in English, all of it should be in English unless it applies to the above or similar cases. Cultural flair is all very well and good; it can certainly give a story atmosphere, but we suggest trying to use words that cannot be translated. In the case of Inuyasha, that would apply to the names of weapons, attacks and food. It may be acceptable to use it for familial titles, such as mother, father and brother. However, it can be very annoying to have to constantly refer to a glossary for words that can easily be written in English. In this case, a few Japanese words in the middle of an English sentance can be confusing and annoying. For example, "I will cut down the _mori_ and be _ureshii_!" (I will cut down the forest and be happy.) For those unfamiliar with the language, such a sentence can make readers subject to a vacant stare.

_If_ the character is bilingual and you really want to use the language as part of characterisation buy a bilingual dictionary (and figure out how to use it) or go to a class and learn it from a teacher. Otherwise, stick to the language you know and write that the character spoke in French or German in a dialogue tag.

**Religion:**

Some shows have a dominant religion apparent. Some may be more subtle in their approach. However, please resist the temptation to place the religious morals or practices of your own community onto the characters of your story. For example, Inu Yasha is set, for the most part, in feudal Japan. When Kagome isn't in the past, she is in Tokyo and she lives in a _shrine_. A Shinto shrine. Hence, it is acceptable to note on all aspects of your story any traditional Japanese religious practices, like praying to ancestors or gods. However, at no point would any character pray to the God of the monotheistic religions (Judaism, Islam and Christianity) or exclaim "Oh my God!" Also, the opposite applies. If you're writing a fan fiction on The Passion of Christ, it would be wrong to make any of the disciples, priests or common people, let's say, Hindu. They're not. And, for the love of God, please don't make Jesus take his own name in vain.

We hope you have found this to be helpful.

**The UGP (Unofficial Grammar Police)**

(Fiona Fan, Rita Reader and all example titles and summaries contained in this chapter are the property of the UGP, and cannot be used without permission.)

**Thank you for all reviews and suggestions, especially those who have picked up any grammatical errors. We are proud of you.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** The UGP (Unofficial Grammar Police) is owned and operated by its members. Any attempts to copy/steal/snatch/grab anything to do with the UGP will be met with violence and the gnashing of teeth. Attempts to copy/steal/snatch/grab anything to do with the UGP is forbidden, unless permission is granted by the members in written form.

The UGP does not own any of the shows, books and examples of fan fiction herein expressed, unless noted.

**The Unofficial Guide to Fan Fiction**

Contents:

Introduction

The Title

The Summary

The Actual Story

**Leaving a Review**

**Responding to a Review**

**Leaving a Review**

First of all, if you read a story _leave a review_. If the story was good, or bad, or mediocre – leave a review! Even if the story made you _feel nothing _and you closed the window feeling strangely empty and unsatisfied - leave a goddamn review! Why? So you can tell the author! It doesn't have to be an essay. Here are a few helpful hints on how one should leave a review.

1) Don't write an essay. Don't include 3 pages of the story surrounded by a pair of insignificant quotation marks and inform the author that you "liked this part".

2) If you liked it, say why.

3) If you hated it, state the reason so the author doesn't repeat what has filled you with loathing and ire.

4) If you felt nothing, inform the author and spend some time staring blankly at your computer screen figuring out why.

5) If the author has made a mistake, spelling or otherwise, point it out to them. Provide an example, if need be, and suggest corrections or alternatives. Quoting a whole page is not providing an example; select particular words or phrases that you feel need to be directly addressed.

6) Attempt to use correct spelling and grammar in your review. If you don't, the author will assume you are a brainless twit and your suggestions/comments/critiques count for nothing, and should be burned out of shame and embarrassment.

7) If you flame someone, say why.

8) The best flames are not written in all upper case, do not include countless spelling mistakes and do not feature the hysterical, idiotic tantrums of a pre-pubescent nitwit.

The UGP would like to state that it has nothing against pre-pubescents. It only has a violent vendetta against pre-pubescents of the nitwit variety.

Sally Stupid is a pre-pubescent nitwit. She read Fiona Fan's story, "the adventirures of the inuganng" and _really liked _it. Here is her review:

"OMG i luv ur story ur the best WRITE MORE NOW plzthks"

Fiona Fan saw the review and wet her pants in excitement, for the idiotic rambles of Sally Stupid had boosted her confidence and made her feel like writing the second chapter. The horror!

If you couldn't spot the errors in the above example, refer to the hints above. In fact, print them out and staple them to your face.

Now, let us consider why Sally Stupid's review was wrong.

Can't think of it? Are you stupefied at the complexity of this enigmatic enquiry?

You see, aside from the blatantly horrendous crimes which Sally has committed against the English language in the area of spelling and grammar, the author gains nothing from it, unless you are Fiona Fan, and become euphoric when an idiot commands you to write more _this very second or die_.

The purpose of the review is for the author to become aware of what he or she is doing right and doing wrong; what is engaging and interesting; what is an overused cliché that has been beaten to death a thousand times and wouldn't do any good as a pillow, and what is not.

Rita Reader read a story she liked and thought was very well written.

"Hi! I really liked your story! It was very well written and I enjoyed the descriptions. Your characterisation of Sesshoumaru is great! You describe his outward impassiveness and endurance in battle very well. By the way, you misspelled the word 'village' (near the end of the story)."

Sally Stupid decided one day to take out all of her angst and feelings of repression on an author. This is an example of a flame.

"OMG UR SO STUPIID! LIKE I CAN'T BELEIVE YOU EVEN THOUT PEEPS LIKE ME WOULD LIKE THIS! WHYARENT KAGOME AND INUYASHHHA IN LUV!? YOU SPELL EVRYTHING RONG! I DON'T LIKE YOU NOBODY DOES GET A LIFE!"

Needless to say, the author, who shall remain nameless, ignored her and continued in her ways, which were suffice to say, full of spelling errors.

Rita Reader decided to advise said author.

"Hi. Your plot is pretty good, but I didn't really enjoy reading your story because there were a lot of spelling mistakes. I think your story could be even better if you fixed them up. Do you have spell check? A good idea is to ask a friend to beta the story for you."

Thus, to fulfil the destiny of the review you need simply say why.

**Responding to a Review**

Responding to a review is a good way for an author to connect directly to their audience, and in the case of reviews, thank them (in the hope of more forthcoming).

In the case of flames and the wails and cries of nitwits, it is advisable not to respond. You will only cause them to rise up and continue their literary assault. However, if you can think of an incredibly witty retort to an idiot who has flamed you (check with those around you to gauge its level of wittiness), by all means, have a crack at him (or her).

Alex Author had received a review. This is how he replied in less than one minute.

"Hi! Thanks for reviewing my story! I'll try to make it less confusing and soon (in the next chapter or so) you'll understand everything! Thanks again."

Not that hard is it? Say thanks, write a sentence or two, say thanks. Responding to a review, like writing a review, doesn't take much out of your day.

In conclusion, this guide is highly unofficial and while you are under moral obligations to the English language, you are under no legal obligations to even remember this story. The UGP, however, would _really like_ you to take these words to heart and put our kind, gentle hints into practise. There is a strong likelihood we will find you and offer some more _helpful hints_ in a series of reviews that increase in emotion and threats, if you don't.

We hope you have found this Unofficial Guide to Fan Fiction helpful.

As always, we remain,

**The UGP (Unofficial Grammar Police)**

(Fiona Fan, Rita Reader, Sally Stupid, Alex Author and all examples contained in this chapter are the property of the UGP, and cannot be used without permission.)


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